Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
