lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
