It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
