Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's rum buckets o'clock
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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