I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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