dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
