I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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