I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
