I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I need a hoe opinion
go on
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
