I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
