FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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