You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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