after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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