Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
