hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
