Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
