shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
