my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
