You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
