I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
