you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
