I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
