What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
