Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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