The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
