Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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