I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
