Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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