I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
