her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
