So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
