There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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