bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Also, beer. Big fan.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
