I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
