I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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