Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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