I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
