omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
