She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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