what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
