i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
