found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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