i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
