Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
