not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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