I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
