so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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