Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize