It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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