I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
