my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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