I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
