Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize