so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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