My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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