Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize