My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize