How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
