Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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