you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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