My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
