Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize