Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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