My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
